Single Again

I’m a little shy about posting again, lest Matt decide to riff on what I write. Very funny, Matt. I did enjoy the Sea Kitten photos.

I had a birthday over the weekend. That was weird. My ex took me out to dinner for my birthday. That was also weird. We began breaking up about a year ago -- breaking up can take a long time. In our case, I discovered he was cheating on me between Valentine’s Day and my birthday a week later. Oh, yeah. That was a great month. So, I kicked him out of the house, at least technically. He was staying with me while he was home from Iraq. So, I sent him wandering between his mom’s house and female acquaintances of varying degrees (ex-wives, old girlfriends, and probably the cheating ‘ho). I stayed mad for a while. Then I waited for an apology to come from him. Actually, I never got a good apology. There was never any satisfying contrition. That probably explains why we couldn’t put things back together.

I went through a phase where I wanted to forgive him and work things out. When you put five years into a relationship it’s hard to throw it all away without at least trying to save it. That’s when he started explaining that he was “dead” inside and didn’t feel anything for anyone. It’s hard to do anything with that kind of announcement. There’s just nowhere to go when somebody tells you they feel nothing for no one.

By this time he was back in Iraq and we were communicating sporadically. Occasionally I would blow up about something which was really probably about the end of the relationship in general and the way he was acting. We limped on this way for a few months trying to stay friends. He came home in the summer for a few days and we spent a little time together. Mostly this gave us a chance to talk in person. When he left we were on better terms than we had been for a while but we were not back together.

By autumn we were planning to take another trip to Mexico together. He had asked me to marry him the first time we took a trip to Mexico so it had some special significance for us. (Of course, I didn't know on the first trip that he would start trying to arrange an affair just a few days after he proposed to me.) His time in Iraq would be over and he had always planned to have some time to relax before coming home. I thought this would give us one last chance to see if we could work things out. We had a great time for 11 days. We always got along great when we were on vacation together. We ate great food, we enjoyed the water and beaches, we saw more Mayan sites, we did all kinds of fun things. We spent time alone together. But, when the trip was over, we came home and we have gone our separate ways. There's really nothing left there between us anymore. If we don't have something right in front of us that's interesting to talk about -- oh, like Mayan ruins or spending money to buy things -- I think we bore each other.

He lives about 30-45 minutes away but we never see each other. He called a lot when we first got back but we don’t talk much now. He’s dating the ‘ho. She lives near the property he bought.

When we do see each other, to have lunch or go to a movie, he tries to totally confuse everything and cross all kinds of relationship lines. He wants to act like we’re still together. I have to remind him that he’s dating somebody else now. I’m strange that way, I guess. I don’t like for things to be confused. We’re friends now. That’s it.

It’s only since we’ve been back from Mexico these last couple of months that I’ve begun to think of myself as single. I feel different. In my dreams I’m single now. There are actually other men in my dreams now instead of him. It’s nice. But, in waking life being single is also scary and lonely sometimes. I’ve been part of a couple for 5-6 years. You get in the habit of thinking differently about everything. It takes some adjustment to go back to thinking like a single person.

My test is what will happen if I die. Who’s going to bury me? LOL I know. It’s morbid. But if you’re a couple there is somebody to handle your funeral arrangements. If you’re single, what happens to you? I guess I’d better not die right now or who knows what would happen to me.