But while we're asking why, why bother?

I'm really not always so serious, but serious things have been on my mind a lot, lately. I promise to post something frivolous about, like, marshmallows or cartoon bears or something soon, don't worry.

--

You know how it feels. At least, if you're anyone I like, you probably do: the feeling that you're doing everything right, but you're still getting screwed. And not in the fun way. Eventually, after enough times, you start asking yourself why you even bother trying to be nice or honest or considerate or fair. The saying that "nice guys finish last" starts edging its way into your thoughts. You look at the way the world is working, and you think, "fuck, I might as well just lie and cheat and steal and use people, because those people are the only ones getting anything out of anything."

Then someone slaps you, and you are brought back to reality.

"I'm tired of being the only one with any shame!" I cried during a discussion of someone else's recent shitty behavior.
"I know, but don't change," she replied.
"I won't. Then the bastards are winning!"

This sums up my feelings on it pretty well. The truth is that if you are one of the liars, cheaters, thieves or manipulators, there is probably no reason to change that will really make sense to you. Your moral compass is too near a magnet. You will go on mistaking possession for fulfillment, and you will imagine you somehow have one up on the people who are decent enough to try to accomplish things the right way. You will mistake their virtue for weakness.

But anyone worth a damn knows better. It isn't what you own or who you're banging or where you're from or how many damn friends you have on MySpace. It's about being able to be proud of who you are, and have that pride mean something. Not pride like "I'm proud to be an American" (I never understood this--how can you be proud of something you had no hand in?), but pride like "I did all I could, I gave it everything I had, and I'm proud of myself." It's like having a leader you're glad to serve, except the leader is yourself.

This is the best thing I ever learned: self-respect is priceless. Knowing and loving who you are--and moreover, being loyal to that knowledge and that love--is worth more than getting ahead, and more than not getting hurt. I want to be the kind of person I would follow into battle. I want to be the kind of person I would trust with my life. I want to face every day, every situation bravely. Bravery does not guarantee success, but it does guarantee honor, and in the end, I would rather finish last with my integrity intact than win the race only to be ashamed of myself. Let everyone else betray me; I refuse to betray me too.

In short, virtue is not weakness. Gandhi, Jesus, Joan of Arc, Lincoln, King--who would ever call them weak? It is faith that grants true strength. Not religion, but the basic belief that what you do matters. Perhaps it is better to be feared than loved, sometimes, after all; the people who forego virtue will never love you, but they will know enough to fear anyone who lives by and dies for what is well beyond their grasp.