The Turn in the Road

Sometimes I think that we all have to choose our own particular brand of mental illness in this world. If we don’t, then something far worse may be visited upon us. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my choice of mental illness. I am always expecting the other shoe to drop. I’m always waiting for the bad thing to show up or the wolf to come to the door. No matter how well things are going -- especially if things are going well! -- I expect something bad to happen. There has to be a turn in the road.

I’d rather choose my own poison than let someone do something to me. When I was about eight years old I had to have my tonsils out. Back then I hated needles and shots. I’d had strep throat repeatedly and my parents had taken me to the doctor constantly. It seemed like I was always getting my finger pricked or getting a shot for something. So, when the nurse came in my hospital room to draw blood I told him I wanted to do it myself. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt so much if I could stick myself. Either I was very brave or just a control freak.

So, right now things seem to be going very well in my life and it’s got me worried sick. There has to be a catch. I’m waiting for something to go wrong. What will it be? Clients that don’t pay? Something that goes wrong with the house? Health problems for me or my dogs? The car breaking down?

I have this theory that if you can imagine the worst things that can happen and make plans for how you would deal with those things that you can be a little more prepared. It helps, marginally. You can prepare yourself for some things. You can prepare yourself for what to do if you have a flat tire. But there is no way to prepare yourself for everything. There is no way to prepare yourself for being told that your dad has cancer everywhere and only has a few weeks to live. There is no way to prepare yourself for waking up and going into the living room and finding your mother dead from a stroke. There’s really no way to prepare yourself for losing a house or a job, no matter what you tell yourself.

There are some things that will eventually happen to everyone, like losing a parent. We know they’re coming eventually but you still can’t adequately prepare for them.

But I know that we can’t spend our entire lives worrying about things that may or will eventually happen either. My life seems good right now. I know there will be ups and downs. I also know that how I choose to look at things will make a big difference. I can wait for something bad to happen or I can enjoy what I have now. I think it probably makes more sense to enjoy the moment.