Self Image

I don’t know who reads these posts.  It’s not really important that I know.  I mainly write them for me.  But I wonder if any of you reading were shy kids?  Did you have friends to play with on the playground at recess?  Maybe you didn’t fit in?  You wondered how all of the other kids seemed to find it so easy to laugh and joke and make friends?  And you, on the other hand, worried about being laughed at and doing the wrong thing.  Maybe you spent years building up your confidence and working on your self-esteem.

That description has to apply to someone else besides me.  I used to be so painfully shy when I was in elementary school that I would cry every morning and beg my mother not to make me go to school that day.  I’d get sick at school at the mere sight of food because I was so nervous.  One time I threw up on another little girl at lunch.  Believe me -- that does not make you a popular kid!  After that my teacher made me eat by myself.  How’s that for lowering your self-esteem and making you feel like an outcast?  I understand why she did it but it was still a bit harsh.

I think my social skills have never quite been up to par since those days.  Yes, I have learned to fake it but I still don’t enjoy crowds or even being with small groups of people very much.  But I have managed to make good friends here and there.

I’ve spent all these years concentrating on the things I’m good at.  I’ve built my self-confidence.  I know I am good at certain things.  I am self-sufficient now.  I take care of myself.  I’m not that nervous person anymore.

Still, I sometimes meet people who can send me right back to those days.  Once in a while I meet someone who gives me the feeling that they talk about me behind my back.  They may belong to my social circle.  They may not have the guts to say something to me personally.  But I get the feeling that they don’t really like me.  That they look down on me for some reason.  Maybe they’re like that with everyone.  I don’t know.  But if I don’t stop myself from worrying about it I can become paranoid about it.  I start feeling like that little outcast girl again.

I’m having dealings with someone like that now and it’s driving me nuts.  I spend way too much time thinking about it.  Am I good enough?  Do I do things right?  What is she going to say or do next?  It’s got me off balance.  I can’t get rid of her yet but I can’t wait to do so.  Or maybe I should confront her about it?  Or maybe it’s my imagination?  I don’t know.

It’s too bad that sometimes we have this old self image of ourselves and it comes back to haunt us from time to time.  Insecurity, I guess.